In fact, this is the first time in a year and half I haven't had a post for the week ready for Sunday morning's publishing time. I'm writing this from my couch the night before this will go up, and I have no real idea of what is going to come out or where I'm going with this train of thought.
I have spent every single night over the last week working on something for our upcoming wedding, doing some type of life admin thing or working on either my house or John's house. And despite the fact that it's Saturday night and there's a full day of the weekend ahead of me, it feels like tomorrow will be more of a chore than a day off because we'll be out of the house for about twelve hours for Easter related get togethers. The most time I'll have to fill as I wish from now until next Sunday is now, and I'm here working on this.
We drove past a park this afternoon. It was 80 degrees with sunny skies and a light breeze, so it was packed with people tossing a ball around, having picnics, reading in the sun or kayaking on the lake. I could smell the charcoal grills and the grilled food through our open windows. At that moment I wanted nothing more in my life than to have an afternoon with nothing to do. No nagging thoughts of a to-do list longer than classic novels. No scheduled fun time squeezed in between projects. I just wanted to be living a life where things or events weren't my main priority and instead it was my main goal to just sit in a moment and soak it in.
It all sounds incredibly privileged and cliched, and it is, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it.
Obviously when a person is planning a wedding it tends to be a stressful time, and is even going to be a pretty low key one. Soon that will be over, and then hopefully John's house will be finished and will sell quickly and then all will be back to normal.
But I just know I'll immediately start in on some new project, because some part of me is apparently hardwired to think that if I'm not working on something I'm wasting precious time.
Thanks, industrious immigrant farmer ancestors.
Even when I'm not feeling stressed, I'm just always moving. Oftentimes I'll tell John I need to run upstairs to grab some scissors or something and he'll come find me 30 minutes later scrubbing a toilet after having vacuumed the rugs and rearranged a closet. I still wouldn't have managed to grab the scissors. Needless to say, I'm not always very good at sitting around and doing the nothingness I say I crave.
My desire to always be doing something is a bit of how this blog even got started. I just wanted something to do. But when does a hobby turn into a responsibility, a commitment to something rather than fun? I feel guilty for not having something more than this made for this week, and yet it really doesn't matter. I'm not doing this for anyone but me, I'm certainly not making any money, so why do I feel like this too is turning into a chore? Do I need to take a break? Should I give it up entirely or just put it away for a few weeks, or until things calm down a bit more?
All this has me thinking a lot about what I actually prioritize. Right now I would say that's my house, fitness, food, living a lower impact life, my style and beauty routines, traveling and reading. It doesn't seem like a long list, but when I hold it up to the image in my mind of a serene, lazy day at a park, it suddenly seems lengthy and even a bit frivolous. I feel like I have to let some of those things fall back into the background so I can actually have time to fill up my own cup. As an introvert, that time to do one thing I really like is absolutely key to me staying sane so I better figure something out quick.
This has all been a huge ramble, with no real point or structure, but if nothing else I hope it's made you take a second to think about your priorities as well. Anything you want to reevaluate in your world right now? Let's chat about it below. In the meantime, I'm off to go do a face mask and take a few deep breaths. See you next time!
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